Thursday, August 13, 2015


When I finally arrived at Hogwarts, I was so excited, but also really nervous. I was worried I'd get put in Slytherin House, or worse, Hufflepuff. I stood with the other first years, anxiously waiting my turn to put on the sorting hat when Harry Potter was put into Gryffindor. "Neat," I thought, but then it was my turn and no one cared. I wasn't the interesting one. But still, I went up there, sat down, and put on the hat. For a minute, the Sorting Hat pondered what to do with me before yelling out, "NOPE!"

I am still alive


Sunday, June 24, 2012


One time when I was 11, I was kidnapped. This crazy man and his crazy wife thought my parents were rich or something and kidnapped me.

I was riding my bike home from school when they jumped the curb in front of me in their red Mercury Topaz. The wife was driving, obviously. The man jumped out and pushed me to the ground. His wife popped the trunk.

I was locked in that trunk for hours. It was miserable.

Sometime in the middle of the night, they decided to move me from the trunk of their shitty car to the attic of their shitty house. Inside their attic, there was nothing but flip flops. And Christmas decorations. I guess even psychotics celebrate Christmas the traditional way.

But the flip flops. It’s really hard to describe. It’s not like there were piles of them. It’s more like they insulated their house with them.

The next day they let me go. I didn’t tell anyone what happened. My parents were pissed that I didn’t come home.

I later read in the paper that a couple was arrested trying to kidnap the son of the owner of a local car dealership. It was them. I think that’s who they thought I was. Idiots.

Luckily they weren’t pedophiles, or this would be an entirely different story.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Killing Peaks

Even though I don't watch the show (yet?), I've noticed The Killing ads that ask, "who killed Rosie Larson?" This of course made me think of Twin Peaks, which asked, "who killed Laura Palmer?" I have now set up meetings with several television networks to pitch a new show.

I threw this shit together for the meetings, but will no doubt have to design my own logo and pay for the copyrighted image I have used here without permission once the bidding war between all the networks ends.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

By Harry Stephen Keeler

I'll edit the music page later to include this, but here's a new album for you to think about listening to later...maybe, if you don't have anything to do.