I never pick up hitchhikers, but I enjoy pulling over and asking joggers if they need a ride somewhere.
Thinking about the way facebook took away the send button, forcing all of us to adjust our typing because hitting the enter key used to be nothing but a way to make a new paragraph, I have to wonder what's next. My best guess is that they'll change it so if you hit the "P" key, it automatically resets all of your privacy settings. If you want to use the letter p, you will have to hold shift first. If you need a capital p, you have to turn on caps lock, then hold shift and hit the p key.
The spider sat on the wall, in the corner next to the tub, and watched me take a shit while it waited for the death it knew I would bring once I finished. Pervert spiders will not be tolerated in this house.
Don't you think it's weird that all foods aren't chocolate or covered in chocolate? Like...wtf, people?
I'm going to publish a new version of the bible. It's going to start with Adam and Steve in the Garden of Madison Square, then it will turn into a murder mystery where Jesus dies on every page and you have to figure out who dunnit.
Do you think it would be appropriate to smear chocolate all over myself and go around demanding that people pay me $5 to not touch them? Why don't more people do this? I could charge more if I did it to people at the opera during act breaks.
Did you know the pina colada was named after a famous tree lizard from 1870. It wrote a book about why flies taste better than beetles, while binging on the fruity rum drink. The book was a number 1 bestseller for 2 decades.
Do kids still read about Paul Bunyan? I hope so. There's so much to learn from the myth; lakes are formed by giants' footprints, blue is a natural color for an ox to be, there are giants, logging is great, etc.
I'm going to run an anger management class. A nude anger management class. With free ice cream. Melted ice cream. And banana chips everywhere!
There's a dvd set coming out called The Bob Hoskins collection. It doesn't have Who Framed Roger Rabbit or Super Mario Bros. and is therefore a waste of money. Try again, jerkoffs.
When I'm rich, crazy, and stupid, I'm going to produce the most amazing film about Pippi Longstocking that this side of the galaxy has ever seen. It will not be released to the public, and there will be a only one screenig for the cast and crew before all copies of the film are destroyed.
I'm going to make a soap opera that actually is an opera. It will feature the best opera singers, and a story about people being faithful to their significant others while making an honest living in mind numbing office jobs. The drama will come from the singing. And all the cancer the characters get.
What's the deal with the tooth fairy? What started that and why? And why don't we reward kids for other things they have no control over and credit the reward to a weird pervert? Where is the You Need New Shoes Fairy? The Haircut Fairy? The Puberty Troll?
I know what I'm going to do with my life. I'm opening a casino. It will be called Fatty Gold's Casino and Buffet. I'm Fatty Gold. That's what they'll call me. The suckers flushing their money into my slot and blackjack and poker machines will call me Fatty Gold.
I now realize what I want to do with my life. I was born to design and build child coffins. All of my child coffins will carry unlicensed logos (until I can afford to pay Nascar, DC, Marvel, Pixar, etc. for the rights) of your favorite thing that you would've forced on your child if it had lived through the faygo and deep fried religion you fed it until it died.
