Saturday, June 25, 2011

I'm starting a religion

About R. Kelly. I believe he is an alien. He has come to this planet to destroy rationality in order to free our minds from the robotic celery. Only once we are free of mind will we be able to always chew with our mouths sideways.

I will expand on this later. Maybe.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I'm going to start writing a book. As status updates on facebook. It will be about fuck you.

I never pick up hitchhikers, but I enjoy pulling over and asking joggers if they need a ride somewhere.

Thinking about the way facebook took away the send button, forcing all of us to adjust our typing because hitting the enter key used to be nothing but a way to make a new paragraph, I have to wonder what's next. My best guess is that they'll change it so if you hit the "P" key, it automatically resets all of your privacy settings. If you want to use the letter p, you will have to hold shift first. If you need a capital p, you have to turn on caps lock, then hold shift and hit the p key.

The spider sat on the wall, in the corner next to the tub, and watched me take a shit while it waited for the death it knew I would bring once I finished. Pervert spiders will not be tolerated in this house.

Don't you think it's weird that all foods aren't chocolate or covered in chocolate?, people?

I'm going to publish a new version of the bible. It's going to start with Adam and Steve in the Garden of Madison Square, then it will turn into a murder mystery where Jesus dies on every page and you have to figure out who dunnit.

Do you think it would be appropriate to smear chocolate all over myself and go around demanding that people pay me $5 to not touch them? Why don't more people do this? I could charge more if I did it to people at the opera during act breaks.

Did you know the pina colada was named after a famous tree lizard from 1870. It wrote a book about why flies taste better than beetles, while binging on the fruity rum drink. The book was a number 1 bestseller for 2 decades.

Do kids still read about Paul Bunyan? I hope so. There's so much to learn from the myth; lakes are formed by giants' footprints, blue is a natural color for an ox to be, there are giants, logging is great, etc.

I'm going to run an anger management class. A nude anger management class. With free ice cream. Melted ice cream. And banana chips everywhere!

There's a dvd set coming out called The Bob Hoskins collection. It doesn't have Who Framed Roger Rabbit or Super Mario Bros. and is therefore a waste of money. Try again, jerkoffs.

When I'm rich, crazy, and stupid, I'm going to produce the most amazing film about Pippi Longstocking that this side of the galaxy has ever seen. It will not be released to the public, and there will be a only one screenig for the cast and crew before all copies of the film are destroyed.

I'm going to make a soap opera that actually is an opera. It will feature the best opera singers, and a story about people being faithful to their significant others while making an honest living in mind numbing office jobs. The drama will come from the singing. And all the cancer the characters get.

What's the deal with the tooth fairy? What started that and why? And why don't we reward kids for other things they have no control over and credit the reward to a weird pervert? Where is the You Need New Shoes Fairy? The Haircut Fairy? The Puberty Troll?

I know what I'm going to do with my life. I'm opening a casino. It will be called Fatty Gold's Casino and Buffet. I'm Fatty Gold. That's what they'll call me. The suckers flushing their money into my slot and blackjack and poker machines will call me Fatty Gold.

I now realize what I want to do with my life. I was born to design and build child coffins. All of my child coffins will carry unlicensed logos (until I can afford to pay Nascar, DC, Marvel, Pixar, etc. for the rights) of your favorite thing that you would've forced on your child if it had lived through the faygo and deep fried religion you fed it until it died.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

While I Slept

I had this dream last night that I met Sarah Palin. It wasn't a wet dream like those octogenarian republican assholes get that make their year. I was, for some dumbass reason, hiking on a mountain with an unidentified friend when we came across Sarah riding a horse. I assume this is my subconscious opinion of her current tour. She's riding a horse/bus around, unexpectedly intruding on otherwise peaceful locations.

So anyway, she rides up and gives her phony hello. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it wasn't a straight "hello." It was "howdy" or some other thing that you would expect that her idea of real Americans would respond to. At the sight of her, I turn into the most sarcastic version of myself I've ever imagined. I run up and immediately tell her how amazing I think she is. In reality, I can be pretty sarcastic and dickish. I don't think I've ever actually been as much of a sarcastic asshole as I dreamed I was to Sarah Palin on a horse. Anyway, the horse disappeared (or she got off it, you know how dreams are...) and thanked me. And hugged me. My friend looked at me weird, like s/he (I really don't even know the gender of this dream-friend) didn't pick up on the sarcasm. The hug was repulsive. While it was going on, I tried to think of a way to humiliate her, or at least indicate to my friend my real intentions. And that's when the dream did what dreams do and changed to something else entirely. I was at UGA, but all the streets were lazy rivers like you'd see in water parks.

In the lazy river version of Baldwin St., I found an old geography friend who had purchased a few fish for whatever reason. A few girls nearby tried to convince him to let the fish swim around in the lazy river for a few minutes. They promised him they'd help him round them up, while I promised him they'd die in the chlorinated water. He agreed with me, but eventually caved to the pressure of girls in bikinis and let the fish swim to their death. I awoke shortly after helping him round up the fresh corpses of his wasted money..