Sunday, March 27, 2011

My New Drink

The other day, I bought some jasmine green tea. For the past several months I've been accumulating many cheap teas and drinking the shit out of them. My favorite so far is an oolong tea that pisses me off because it is the only oolong tea I can find in stores around here and so I must eventually resort to ordering some on the internet. But anyway, like I was saying...

The other day, I bought some jasmine green tea. I'd never had jasmine tea before. I figured it was time to try it. I took it home and immediately put on some water. I expected the tea to be a little more flowery than any of the others I've had, and it didn't disappoint there. At all. It reminded me a little bit of honeysuckle. I added it to my stupid collection, and I'll get around to drinking all of it eventually like I do with all the stupid teas I have.

Then it hit me. What this tea obviously needs is a little bit of honey. And cheap vodka. This tea would be perfect with a little bit of honey and vodka. So that's what I did tonight. Why didn't anyone tell me about this years ago? I hate you people. I had two cups while I watched a movie.

I have no regrets about this.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

How to Hide a Book Where No One Will Ever Find It

So, as I was watching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last night, this happened.
I don't know why the subtitles showed up like that on my computer, but you can fucking read. After Harry almost killed Malfoy, the only people that punished him were his friends, and they only made him hide the book where he got the spell he used. So he goes with Ginny to the Room of Requirement and she says, "we need to hide the Half-Blood Prince's book where no one will ever find it, including you."

Seems to me that the best place to hide a book you don't want anyone to ever find is a fire. Or a paper shredder. Or a paper shredder that's on fire. Pages can't be ripped or burned? Encase it in cement, use your stupid magic to make the cement look like an ordinary rock, and throw the damn thing into that gigantic lake you assholes have right next to the school. Look at all the shit in the room of requirement. It's pretty obvious that people are in this room quite a bit more than they are exploring the bottom of the lake with the monsters and freezing temperatures. This isn't one of those situations where hiding in plain sight is the best option.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Colby Red - A Walgreens Exclusive

Yes, I'm back on the Walgreens alcohol. At least this time I spent more than $3.50. Not much more, but it also went to a good cause (aside from getting me drunk). From Colby Red's website: "COLBY’S MISSION: To raise research dollars from the sale of each bottle of Colby Red by supporting charities that promote heart health." So yeah, I get to get drunk and promote heart health. Take that, you other wino's with whatever you are drinking that isn't this!

Back when Walgreens introduced Walgreens Beer, they also announced some shit about wines. Naturally, I have to try it. Again, I wish it was just called Walgreens Wine, but it's called Colby Red, and it's not really made by Walgreens anyway. They just get to sell it. So Walgreens...start making wine and call it Walgreens Wine. Anyway, here.

Look at that. It's going to be wine-tastic. Every article I find about this wine describes it with this sentence, most of which is just taken from the Colby Red website.

"The 2009 Colby Red is a flavorful California cuvée of cabernet sauvignon, zinfandel, shiraz, merlot and petite sirah from select Treasury Wine Estates vineyards, retailing for $12.99."

I got mine for $9.99. This makes up for the missing can of Big Flats 1901.

Don't you just want to dive into it's dark redness?

Being that I know jack shit about wine, I won't bother to describe the taste or say whether I think it is good or bad. It tastes like wine, which I am able to consume without problem.

But that makes for a boring ending to this post. I didn't just drink this wine. I drank this wine while painting myself drinking the wine. When I started drinking, I also started painting. I've been wanting to give watercolors another go, since I haven't used them in at least 5 years. So I also bought some supplies for that.


And because drinking and painting doesn't occupy enough of my attention, I had to put on a dvd. After much consideration as to what that dvd should be, I decided that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was the perfect wine-painting party for one, because of course I have that dvd. So I put on the movie and started painting.


I finished my awful picture way before the movie was over. I still have an hour left. If I'd picked a 90 minute movie, I could say that the timing was perfect. I didn't. Anyway, here's the painting.

So, as you can see, that's me. I'm riding my favorite unicorn (Kazaam) through my favorite field. I'm drinking a bottle of Colby Red and not at all concerned about the storm that's brewing. I'm also not aware of the missile that is coming straight at me. This is an image of the moments right before my assassination. The horses did it. I've always been very vocal about the unicorn rights movement, and the horses saw that I was becoming very popular, even among a small number of horses. They were also glad to be able to kill Kazaam too, because he was obviously very influential as well. More-so than me, actually. This is actually a painting of the assassination of Kazaam. I just happen to be in it.

I tried scanning the painting, but wow, did that turn out to look really shitty. I mean...the painting looks shitty enough without the scanner ruining all the colors.

-Dr. Tweenus Gonzo

Thursday, March 3, 2011

80% Stronger Hair Immediately!

I recently purchased this conditioner with this amazing claim on it.

Can you believe this? The asterisk after the "immediately" leads to a footnote that informs me that I must use their anti-breakage shampoo with this to get the effect. So, done.

But immediately! I did some math, because this can only be interpreted one way. After the first day of use, my hair will be 80% stronger, which will mean I'm operating at 180% the next day when I use it again! This has the potential to strengthen my hair exponentially until I can pull the moon out of the sky to impress all the ladies that are flocking to me because of my really strong hair. Check this: I made a chart.

I was originally going to show how strong it would be after a month of uses, but it was just so absurd and you couldn't see that it really did start at 100%. Showing only 7 uses gets the point across. Here's the exact numbers.

After 29 days of use, my hair will be 2,528,731,089% stronger than it was when I first started using this shit! I can't even imagine how strong that is. Thanks, TRESemmé!