Sunday, June 24, 2012


One time when I was 11, I was kidnapped. This crazy man and his crazy wife thought my parents were rich or something and kidnapped me.

I was riding my bike home from school when they jumped the curb in front of me in their red Mercury Topaz. The wife was driving, obviously. The man jumped out and pushed me to the ground. His wife popped the trunk.

I was locked in that trunk for hours. It was miserable.

Sometime in the middle of the night, they decided to move me from the trunk of their shitty car to the attic of their shitty house. Inside their attic, there was nothing but flip flops. And Christmas decorations. I guess even psychotics celebrate Christmas the traditional way.

But the flip flops. It’s really hard to describe. It’s not like there were piles of them. It’s more like they insulated their house with them.

The next day they let me go. I didn’t tell anyone what happened. My parents were pissed that I didn’t come home.

I later read in the paper that a couple was arrested trying to kidnap the son of the owner of a local car dealership. It was them. I think that’s who they thought I was. Idiots.

Luckily they weren’t pedophiles, or this would be an entirely different story.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Killing Peaks

Even though I don't watch the show (yet?), I've noticed The Killing ads that ask, "who killed Rosie Larson?" This of course made me think of Twin Peaks, which asked, "who killed Laura Palmer?" I have now set up meetings with several television networks to pitch a new show.

I threw this shit together for the meetings, but will no doubt have to design my own logo and pay for the copyrighted image I have used here without permission once the bidding war between all the networks ends.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

By Harry Stephen Keeler

I'll edit the music page later to include this, but here's a new album for you to think about listening to later...maybe, if you don't have anything to do.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Happy Presidents Day!

HEY EVERYONE! HAPPY PRESIDENTS' DAY! Did you know that George Washington was the first president of the united states of america? He was born a long time ago and invented the radio!

After two terms with Mr. George Washington, the USA elected Mr. John Adams. Many historians believe that John Adams was a time traveler from the year 2027, because there is a lot of evidence to back this up, the least of which is Mr. Adams' diary which contained his original birth certificate, as well as a schematic of the time machine he used, and several descriptions of his favorite episodes of Friends.

The third president is the one you all know and love! MR! THOMAS! JEFFERSOOOOON! You may know about the relationship he had with his slave named Sally Hemings, but did you know that slave was his dead wife's half-sister!? BOO-YEAH! Also, he was a big fan of pornography and proposed to change the flag to a picture of two women eating each other out! GIVE IT UP FOR MR. JEFFERSON!

The USA's 4th, and by far classiest, president was one James Madison! He is perhaps best known as the man who made George Clinton give up politics to found The Parliament-Funkadelic, the great funk music group, in the late 1960's.

After Pure Class James Madison (as he was known by friends) said "fuck off, you bunch of inbred farmers," Mr. James Monroe strolled into town to become the 5th president! The only thing we know about Mr. Monroe is that he shared a first name with the previous president, Mr. Madison.

After James II, our second John Adams took over the white house with a battle mech. Many people were confused and thought this was merely the first John Adams doing shit again, but no, this was John Quincy Adams. He later became a great record producer after he dropped the John and changed his last name to Jones. His daughter can currently be seen in the hit NBC program Parks and Recreation!

The 7th president is more commonly known by the name Andrew Jackson. To those that really knew him, he was known as Andy Jacksoff. It's a crude joke for a crude president!

President Number 8 is Martin van Buren. These days, he is primarily known for appointing a Mr. Peter Vivian Daniel (ancestor to yours truly (probably (not))) to the supreme court, but back in his day he was primarily known for being the 8th president of this country!

William Henry Harrison was a useless idiot that died 32 days after he became the 9th president. He was the first president to be elected as a member of the Whig party. So what does that tell you? Fucking nothing. That's what!

Taking over for Mr. Harrison was some dude named John Tyler! This is the guy we have to thank for the phrase "don't mess with Texas" as he is the one that annexed that land into this country. So thanks, John Tyler, but no thanks...

The 11th president of the USA was a guy named James K. Polk. No one knows what the K stands for. He invented Polka music as part of his reelection campaign, which historians credit as the primary reason he lost the campaign so vigorously.

Zachary Taylor, no relation to former president John Tyler, became president number 12 on March 4, 1849. On July 9, 1850, he became Zachary Taylor, deceased. He was exhumed in 1991 because some goon had a theory that he was assassinated, but no. He got sick from heat and drank a shitload of milk, ate a bunch of cherries, and fucking died.

Millard Fillmore took over after Zachary Taylor's death, as he was the Vice President at the time. Those who knew Millard were quick to compliment the patience he showed in taking over the presidential office after Zach's death. "He waited at least one whole day before he threw Zach's shit into the White House Wood Chipper," said one aide to Millard. Fillmore has the distinction of having a terrible name altogether.

After getting rid of the last of the Whig presidents, the USA elected a man named Franklin Pierce. A man with a name that sounds like a car old people drive because they think it makes them sound young. He was 48 when he was elected, but in the 1800's, that's like 72. He once raped a girl to death.

The 15th president was a man by the name of James Buchanan. Being the 4th president named James, he had a lot to live up to. He didn't. Critics called him a deviant. Friends called him a sick pervert. His wife called him the love of her life. What does that say about her?

President #16! You all know who I'm talking about! PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN! He is most known for being on the penny and the five dollar bill and the Town Car! THAT! IS! ALL!

Andrew Johnson had the terrible task of following up Abraham Lincoln. How could you live up to the guy that "free the slaves" then got shot in the head? With no slaves to free and no one wanting to kill him, Andrew Johnson was mostly forgettable.

While everyone mourned Abraham Lincoln and Andrew Johnson (many forgot that he also survived and ran the country after Lincoln's death), the civil war General Ulysses S. Grant rode into DC on an elephant made of badass and took over the white house. The S stands for "Some jackass made a mistake and now everyone forever will think my middle name starts with an S."

After two terms with Hiram Grant, the country decided to change it up a bit with a man named Rutherford Birchard Hayes. He was and always will be the GREATEST 19th president this country has ever had. He was a bit of a womanizer and liked to drink absinthe and smoke opium in the White House. He never did that anywhere else. The White House was the key ingredient to his addictions.

The Twentieth President was James Abraham Garfield. Garfield was created by humorless waste of skin Jim Davis in 1978. He was assassinated by a UPS driver after 200 days as president.

The 21st president was Tubby Chester A. Arthur. He only became president because Garfield was assassinated. With a name like Chester Alan Arthur, most historians agree that he would not have been elected President on his own.

Grover Cleveland became the 22nd president, just to prove that people did not want to elect Chester Arthur. He was not born in Cleveland and he was not the inspiration for the Muppet character Grover. The Muppet was the inspiration for the President.

The 23rd president of the USA was a guy named Benjamin Harrison. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "was he related to William Henry Harrison, the idiot that died after being president one month?" The answer is, of course, yes, he was. Most people believe Ben was William's grandson, but he actually was just the same guy. After his first term as Ben, he traveled back and became William.

The 24th president was Grover Cleveland! Wait...what? That can't be right. is. Well, goes to show you what shitty Presidents those Harrisons are. Grover Cleveland coined the term "chocoholic" and unsuccessfully tried to start a support group for people addicted to chocohol.

Can we talk about William McKinley for a minute? McKinley was the 25th president, and the third to be assassinated while in office! Shot by a man named Czolgosz. That man would later change his name to Colgate and produce toothpaste. DON'T USE COLGATE!

The 26th President was a guy known for his love of small, plush bears. Theodore Roosevelt was the inspiration for one of the annoying, singing chipmunks. When he discovered this, he promptly rolled over in his grave.

The undisputed best president of all time was Mr. #27. William Howard Taft. He won the presidency, not in an election, but in a hot dog eating contest. He ate 73 total, which was 72 more than anyone else could stomach at the time. He is best known these days as the man who stole my cousin's name.

After Taft, Woodrow Wilson was elected to become the 28th president. Woodrow was thoroughly racist and never got over the fact that his parents named him Woodrow. He was eventually committed to insane asylum where he was shanked by a mute.

Warren G. Harding was the 30th president. He never actually knew that he was president either. He didn't campaign. Didn't see the election results (never was a big fan of politicking or anyone that followed such malarkey). And he slept through his inauguration. It was strange.

Calvin Coolidge was actually the 30th president. Harding was #29. Coolidge is known for consulting way too much with his vice president Hobbes. They often played in the snow together.

Herbert Hoover, inventor of vacuums and shanty towns, was number 31. Literally no one liked him, or voted for him (not even his family), so it is not fully understood how or why he became president, but he did, and we just have to live with it.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt became the 32nd president on March 4, 1933. He is the only man to be elected to a third term. He had polio, which most historians find hilarious. Others find it uproarious. There is much debate over the matter.

After FDR died, Harry S. Truman took over. He is known for bombing Hiroshima and Nagasaki because Japan was making fun of him over the fact that the S in his name didn't actually stand for anything.

Dwight David Eisenhower has the lovely distinction of having a terrible name. Also, he was the 34th president of the USA. No one can ever take that from him! He did it all by himself! He never learned how to tie his own shoes and spent half of the country's budget on a advertising campaign to make Velcro shoes popular.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy became the 35th president. He inadvertently invented conspiracy theorists when he was assassinated on the hit tv program Dallas.

Lyndon Baines Johnson took over the white house after Kennedy's brains splattered all over his wife. LBJ was the inspiration for popular Batman villain Mr. Freeze.

Richard Milhous Nixon was somehow elected as the 37th president. He was at best a petty thug. His middle name was used for a popular character on The Simpsons (I don't need to tell you that character is Database) and he's the only one that was so much of a jackass that he had to resign from office.

After Nixon split town, Gerald Rudolph Ford took over. Mostly hated because of the whole...pardoning Nixon thing...Ford was just happy the red nose jokes stopped, and determined that it was well worth it. His nickname is Doofus.

A man named James Earl Carter became the 39th president in 1977. He didn't want to be "another James president" and so was more commonly called Jimmy. He tried to change the currency into peanuts, but was blocked by congress because "if peanuts are money, how many peanuts does a jar of peanut butter cost? We're not ready for universe ending paradoxes."

Former Actor Ronald Wilson Reagan defeated Carter in the 1980 election to become the 40th president in 1981. Reagan got most of his economic advise from his "Bedtime for Bonzo" co-star, Bonzo. A longtime sufferer of Alzheimer's disease, Reagan died at the age of 94, proving once and for all that the good really do die young.

George Herbert Walker Bush became the 41st president after two excruciatingly long terms with Reagan. He has often been quoted as saying that the presidency was "the most exciting game of battleship I've ever played." He lost his reelection campaign because he spent too much time trying to explain why he had two middle names.

After GHW Bush, the country was more than happy to elect William Jefferson Clinton to the presidency. Clinton often says that having to deal with the tragic death of Kurt Cobain in 1994 was the most challenging part of being president. He is known for cheating on his wife, in the white house, but most of the country readily forgave him and said, "yeah...I would've cheated on her too. Yes...with ANYONE!"

In the year 2000, the United States of America elected former Clinton vice president Al Gore to be the 43rd president. For some reason, George Walker Bush took the job anyway. Known for his striking intelligence and eloquence, GWB liked to play Connect 4 against people touring the white house. He never won a game. We're all hoping that this war criminal finally gets the trial he deserves, but we're not optimistic.

Some dude named Barack HUSSEIN Obama became the 44th and current president on January 20, 2009. After successfully campaigning on health care reform, half of the country really freaked out when he actually tried it and sort of succeeded. He was born in Hawaii, aka Kenya, and is a Christian-Muslim.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

I finally added an art page to the site.

With links to the three albums I've uploaded! Because that's all there is! For now!