Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I think I'll join the army

The army still goes to other planets to exterminate the native species and then half-heartedly try to colonize the place only to find that no, we can't live there because the atmosphere and gravity make extended living there painful for humans, right? I want in on that racket.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


I would like an apple right now. And some apple juice. And apple sauce. And apple pie. Seriously. Give them to me.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I pull fire alarms.

It's important to test them frequently to make sure they still work.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Saturday, June 25, 2011

I'm starting a religion

About R. Kelly. I believe he is an alien. He has come to this planet to destroy rationality in order to free our minds from the robotic celery. Only once we are free of mind will we be able to always chew with our mouths sideways.

I will expand on this later. Maybe.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I'm going to start writing a book. As status updates on facebook. It will be about fuck you.

I never pick up hitchhikers, but I enjoy pulling over and asking joggers if they need a ride somewhere.

Thinking about the way facebook took away the send button, forcing all of us to adjust our typing because hitting the enter key used to be nothing but a way to make a new paragraph, I have to wonder what's next. My best guess is that they'll change it so if you hit the "P" key, it automatically resets all of your privacy settings. If you want to use the letter p, you will have to hold shift first. If you need a capital p, you have to turn on caps lock, then hold shift and hit the p key.

The spider sat on the wall, in the corner next to the tub, and watched me take a shit while it waited for the death it knew I would bring once I finished. Pervert spiders will not be tolerated in this house.

Don't you think it's weird that all foods aren't chocolate or covered in chocolate?, people?

I'm going to publish a new version of the bible. It's going to start with Adam and Steve in the Garden of Madison Square, then it will turn into a murder mystery where Jesus dies on every page and you have to figure out who dunnit.

Do you think it would be appropriate to smear chocolate all over myself and go around demanding that people pay me $5 to not touch them? Why don't more people do this? I could charge more if I did it to people at the opera during act breaks.

Did you know the pina colada was named after a famous tree lizard from 1870. It wrote a book about why flies taste better than beetles, while binging on the fruity rum drink. The book was a number 1 bestseller for 2 decades.

Do kids still read about Paul Bunyan? I hope so. There's so much to learn from the myth; lakes are formed by giants' footprints, blue is a natural color for an ox to be, there are giants, logging is great, etc.

I'm going to run an anger management class. A nude anger management class. With free ice cream. Melted ice cream. And banana chips everywhere!

There's a dvd set coming out called The Bob Hoskins collection. It doesn't have Who Framed Roger Rabbit or Super Mario Bros. and is therefore a waste of money. Try again, jerkoffs.

When I'm rich, crazy, and stupid, I'm going to produce the most amazing film about Pippi Longstocking that this side of the galaxy has ever seen. It will not be released to the public, and there will be a only one screenig for the cast and crew before all copies of the film are destroyed.

I'm going to make a soap opera that actually is an opera. It will feature the best opera singers, and a story about people being faithful to their significant others while making an honest living in mind numbing office jobs. The drama will come from the singing. And all the cancer the characters get.

What's the deal with the tooth fairy? What started that and why? And why don't we reward kids for other things they have no control over and credit the reward to a weird pervert? Where is the You Need New Shoes Fairy? The Haircut Fairy? The Puberty Troll?

I know what I'm going to do with my life. I'm opening a casino. It will be called Fatty Gold's Casino and Buffet. I'm Fatty Gold. That's what they'll call me. The suckers flushing their money into my slot and blackjack and poker machines will call me Fatty Gold.

I now realize what I want to do with my life. I was born to design and build child coffins. All of my child coffins will carry unlicensed logos (until I can afford to pay Nascar, DC, Marvel, Pixar, etc. for the rights) of your favorite thing that you would've forced on your child if it had lived through the faygo and deep fried religion you fed it until it died.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

While I Slept

I had this dream last night that I met Sarah Palin. It wasn't a wet dream like those octogenarian republican assholes get that make their year. I was, for some dumbass reason, hiking on a mountain with an unidentified friend when we came across Sarah riding a horse. I assume this is my subconscious opinion of her current tour. She's riding a horse/bus around, unexpectedly intruding on otherwise peaceful locations.

So anyway, she rides up and gives her phony hello. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it wasn't a straight "hello." It was "howdy" or some other thing that you would expect that her idea of real Americans would respond to. At the sight of her, I turn into the most sarcastic version of myself I've ever imagined. I run up and immediately tell her how amazing I think she is. In reality, I can be pretty sarcastic and dickish. I don't think I've ever actually been as much of a sarcastic asshole as I dreamed I was to Sarah Palin on a horse. Anyway, the horse disappeared (or she got off it, you know how dreams are...) and thanked me. And hugged me. My friend looked at me weird, like s/he (I really don't even know the gender of this dream-friend) didn't pick up on the sarcasm. The hug was repulsive. While it was going on, I tried to think of a way to humiliate her, or at least indicate to my friend my real intentions. And that's when the dream did what dreams do and changed to something else entirely. I was at UGA, but all the streets were lazy rivers like you'd see in water parks.

In the lazy river version of Baldwin St., I found an old geography friend who had purchased a few fish for whatever reason. A few girls nearby tried to convince him to let the fish swim around in the lazy river for a few minutes. They promised him they'd help him round them up, while I promised him they'd die in the chlorinated water. He agreed with me, but eventually caved to the pressure of girls in bikinis and let the fish swim to their death. I awoke shortly after helping him round up the fresh corpses of his wasted money..

Sunday, May 22, 2011

A new EP about Superman

Last month, I took a break from writing songs for my next dumbass album to record a short ep for one of my friends that graduated last week. For ridiculous reasons that don't make sense, the songs were either about how much Superman sucks, how awesome my friend's mom is, or both. And for the cover I recreated the cover of Action Comics No. 1, with myself in Superman's position, wearing the badass sweater her mom gave me a while ago.

So this is my friend's graduation gift, minus the songs that reference her mom. You can stream it on the bandcamp site. It's just 4 short songs, and really, I don't think I'd call the first one a song. It's just weird. I don't know what I was thinking. So I guess it's 3 songs and a weird 45 second intro. Oh, and a bonus song if you download it. The bonus song has nothing to do with Superman. It's about ewoks. That's why it's a hidden song that comes with the download.

1. The Sound Lois Made the First Time She Saw Superman's Weird Alien Genitals
2. The Functioning Alcoholic
3. To Teach a Man to Fish
4. The Dinner Party
5. March of the Ewoks (hidden)

There is no minimum on the price to download. At least for now, while I still have over 200 free downloads through my bandcamp site. So I recommend you put in "0" and enjoy. If you want to pay something for it, then know that it is much appreciated and I will put the money towards something badass. Like a racecar.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Another Painting.

A bunch of my friends graduated college last week, and I actually gave two of them gifts. One of them was this painting.

It's called The Squirrel Alliance. They are being briefed on the master plan to take down the evil, human empire. The plan is to jump in front of the humans' enormous cruisers and get run over. It's based on a scene of some other famous rebels trying to take down an empire.

Someone at my friend's graduation party told me about some commercial that has squirrels high-fiving after running cars off the road. I've not seen the commercial, but it sounds like they are wrong. The plan is a suicide mission. They are not trying to run the humans off the road. They do not even understand the concept of a road. Their primitive minds believe that sacrificing themselves to the human war machines will someday bring about change in the universe.

Monday, April 18, 2011

One day, I'll add a "Paintings" section to my website

Because I've been meaning to add a link to the following photo album on there somewhere.

Unicorn Oppression 

I've been painting this series for birthday gifts. Mostly. The first was a Hanukkah white elephant gift, and another was a Christmas gift. Whatever. I would like to get better pictures of most of them. I started scanning them for the last 3, but that just means that I have good scans of 3 of them, and crappy pictures of 7 of them. If you have one of the first 7, you should take a good picture or scan of it for me.

Also, make sure you read the descriptions of the paintings. They can be sort of detailed.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Missed Opportunities

This is why Chris Columbus is a terrible director.

Because The Carpenters aren't in Home Alone 2.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

This One Time...

I was watching tv and eating Doritos.

I don't remember what I was watching. It was probably The Simpsons. Whatever it was, I was fully invested, because I wasn't looking at the Doritos I was eating, which tasted fine. After a while, I had a need to look into the bag, to reposition the chips to make access to them easier for the way I was sitting. When I looked I noticed some big, dark crumbs sitting in the bag.

The crumbs were dead ants.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

In Kindergarten

Every day, in addition to lunch, we had a snack time. Naturally, we were supposed to bring our own snacks, but in case we forgot, the teacher had bags of old stale cereal that we could have. Usually, there was only one kid that always forgot his snack and had to eat the cereal. It was the same kid that would pick off anything that was dried to the bottom of the table. This was usually glue, because I guess as kindergarteners we liked to waste our glue by smearing it onto the tables. I don't know. We would always pick on the kid for doing this and say that he ate the glue and boogers from the tables. It is entirely possible that he did eat the crap he picked off the tables.

This kid was later put into the special needs classes.

As for the daily snacks, I only remember one time where I was forced to eat the stale cereal. I hadn't forgotten my snack. My snack was ruined that day.

At some point during the day, another kid from my class (I have no other memories of this kid from kindergarten, but later had classes with him in seventh grade) decided he wanted my backpack in the bathroom. He grabbed it and started pulling and yelling at me to give it to him. I held on and screamed back that it was mine. After he finally wrestled it from my grasp, he immediately threw it on the ground and jumped on it several times.

My snack that day was going to be graham crackers. One of my favorites. When the other kid repeatedly jumped on my backpack, he crushed the graham crackers into crumbs and busted the plastic bag they were stored in. The small front pouch of my backpack was full of crumbs and I had no snack for the day.

I believe I went crying to the teacher about what happened and she gave me the plastic bag of cereal. I think it might have been apple jacks. I'm not sure. I didn't eat much of it. I wanted my graham crackers, not stale, dry apple jacks.

I don't know or remember why the other kid stomped on my backpack that day. I wonder if I had said or done something to him earlier.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

My New Drink

The other day, I bought some jasmine green tea. For the past several months I've been accumulating many cheap teas and drinking the shit out of them. My favorite so far is an oolong tea that pisses me off because it is the only oolong tea I can find in stores around here and so I must eventually resort to ordering some on the internet. But anyway, like I was saying...

The other day, I bought some jasmine green tea. I'd never had jasmine tea before. I figured it was time to try it. I took it home and immediately put on some water. I expected the tea to be a little more flowery than any of the others I've had, and it didn't disappoint there. At all. It reminded me a little bit of honeysuckle. I added it to my stupid collection, and I'll get around to drinking all of it eventually like I do with all the stupid teas I have.

Then it hit me. What this tea obviously needs is a little bit of honey. And cheap vodka. This tea would be perfect with a little bit of honey and vodka. So that's what I did tonight. Why didn't anyone tell me about this years ago? I hate you people. I had two cups while I watched a movie.

I have no regrets about this.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

How to Hide a Book Where No One Will Ever Find It

So, as I was watching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last night, this happened.
I don't know why the subtitles showed up like that on my computer, but you can fucking read. After Harry almost killed Malfoy, the only people that punished him were his friends, and they only made him hide the book where he got the spell he used. So he goes with Ginny to the Room of Requirement and she says, "we need to hide the Half-Blood Prince's book where no one will ever find it, including you."

Seems to me that the best place to hide a book you don't want anyone to ever find is a fire. Or a paper shredder. Or a paper shredder that's on fire. Pages can't be ripped or burned? Encase it in cement, use your stupid magic to make the cement look like an ordinary rock, and throw the damn thing into that gigantic lake you assholes have right next to the school. Look at all the shit in the room of requirement. It's pretty obvious that people are in this room quite a bit more than they are exploring the bottom of the lake with the monsters and freezing temperatures. This isn't one of those situations where hiding in plain sight is the best option.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Colby Red - A Walgreens Exclusive

Yes, I'm back on the Walgreens alcohol. At least this time I spent more than $3.50. Not much more, but it also went to a good cause (aside from getting me drunk). From Colby Red's website: "COLBY’S MISSION: To raise research dollars from the sale of each bottle of Colby Red by supporting charities that promote heart health." So yeah, I get to get drunk and promote heart health. Take that, you other wino's with whatever you are drinking that isn't this!

Back when Walgreens introduced Walgreens Beer, they also announced some shit about wines. Naturally, I have to try it. Again, I wish it was just called Walgreens Wine, but it's called Colby Red, and it's not really made by Walgreens anyway. They just get to sell it. So Walgreens...start making wine and call it Walgreens Wine. Anyway, here.

Look at that. It's going to be wine-tastic. Every article I find about this wine describes it with this sentence, most of which is just taken from the Colby Red website.

"The 2009 Colby Red is a flavorful California cuvée of cabernet sauvignon, zinfandel, shiraz, merlot and petite sirah from select Treasury Wine Estates vineyards, retailing for $12.99."

I got mine for $9.99. This makes up for the missing can of Big Flats 1901.

Don't you just want to dive into it's dark redness?

Being that I know jack shit about wine, I won't bother to describe the taste or say whether I think it is good or bad. It tastes like wine, which I am able to consume without problem.

But that makes for a boring ending to this post. I didn't just drink this wine. I drank this wine while painting myself drinking the wine. When I started drinking, I also started painting. I've been wanting to give watercolors another go, since I haven't used them in at least 5 years. So I also bought some supplies for that.


And because drinking and painting doesn't occupy enough of my attention, I had to put on a dvd. After much consideration as to what that dvd should be, I decided that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was the perfect wine-painting party for one, because of course I have that dvd. So I put on the movie and started painting.


I finished my awful picture way before the movie was over. I still have an hour left. If I'd picked a 90 minute movie, I could say that the timing was perfect. I didn't. Anyway, here's the painting.

So, as you can see, that's me. I'm riding my favorite unicorn (Kazaam) through my favorite field. I'm drinking a bottle of Colby Red and not at all concerned about the storm that's brewing. I'm also not aware of the missile that is coming straight at me. This is an image of the moments right before my assassination. The horses did it. I've always been very vocal about the unicorn rights movement, and the horses saw that I was becoming very popular, even among a small number of horses. They were also glad to be able to kill Kazaam too, because he was obviously very influential as well. More-so than me, actually. This is actually a painting of the assassination of Kazaam. I just happen to be in it.

I tried scanning the painting, but wow, did that turn out to look really shitty. I mean...the painting looks shitty enough without the scanner ruining all the colors.

-Dr. Tweenus Gonzo

Thursday, March 3, 2011

80% Stronger Hair Immediately!

I recently purchased this conditioner with this amazing claim on it.

Can you believe this? The asterisk after the "immediately" leads to a footnote that informs me that I must use their anti-breakage shampoo with this to get the effect. So, done.

But immediately! I did some math, because this can only be interpreted one way. After the first day of use, my hair will be 80% stronger, which will mean I'm operating at 180% the next day when I use it again! This has the potential to strengthen my hair exponentially until I can pull the moon out of the sky to impress all the ladies that are flocking to me because of my really strong hair. Check this: I made a chart.

I was originally going to show how strong it would be after a month of uses, but it was just so absurd and you couldn't see that it really did start at 100%. Showing only 7 uses gets the point across. Here's the exact numbers.

After 29 days of use, my hair will be 2,528,731,089% stronger than it was when I first started using this shit! I can't even imagine how strong that is. Thanks, TRESemmé!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Big Flats 1901 - The Walgreens Beer

Tonight, after I got off work, I finally decided to go to the local Walgreens to see if they actually had the Walgreens beer. I had only heard a few things about it from friends, so I had to search google to find out the actual name of the beer, because I knew Walgreens would not be awesome enough to just name the beer Walgreens Beer. Obviously, they stocked the beer, or else I what I am doing right now would be something entirely different. In fact, I think it's fair to say they over-stocked the beer, but I guess an argument could be made for being able to purchase a pallet of beer and only spending a couple hundred bucks.

Anyway, I got a six pack and came home. I ate chili for dinner, which will likely prove to be a terrible mistake. While I ate, I again searched google briefly to get a rough idea of what people thought of the beer. All the reviews are terrible. Like it's the worst beer ever, but the price is so good that it doesn't matter. At 50 cents per can, you shouldn't complain. Well, that's where my major disappointment comes in. All the articles I read said it was 50 cents per can and 6 packs would be on sale for $2.99, but the one I bought cost $3.49. So, Walgreens, if you're reading this, I want my 50 cents back, or I want my seventh can. I don't care which.

Joking aside, after dinner I recorded a pog song and then prepared for cheap, shitty beer.

So the beer is called Big Flats 1901. It's probably a bad idea to use the word "flats" in the name of your beer since no one likes flat beer and reading "flats" every time you pick it up is going to make you think of flat beer even if the can isn't flat yet, but what do I know?

The beer is exactly what you expect it to be. It's like PBR. There's no need to go into the subtle distinctions of taste and aroma. It smells like cheap beer. It tastes like cheap beer. It is cheap beer. The first sip was not as bad as I was expecting. Then I opened up a bag of candy that I also bought (Sweet Tart Jelly Beans - the love of my life, only available between Valentine's Day and Easter) and the contrast totally ruined the taste until I stopped eating the jelly beans. The jelly beans are magical, and eating one or two, and then sipping this beer (and probably any beer really) will make the beer taste like a giraffe took a shit in it. Damn giraffes. I'm finishing up the second can right now, and then I will finish the remaining four while I watch more episodes of Sons of Anarchy.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Started a new album

 Yes, there's a concept for the album.

No, it's not season 2 of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

The first song is nearly finished. I don't know how many songs there will be yet. It won't be 24 though (I hope). I also hope it won't take me a year and a half to finish it like The Fresh Prince Project did. I don't know. We'll see.